I go back and forth every time I attempt to write about this topic: bad days (but imagine me saying it in a more eloquent way. How can I even describe the bad days? They’re different for everyone, obviously, but they always leave a pit feeling in my stomach. A sinking feeling that won’t go away. An indecisiveness that I’m unable to satisfy. I’m here to tell you that everyone has them, despite how they look. Looks are deceiving after all.
I’m one of those people who needs to look put together at all times, if I don’t I put myself down, it’s a self-confidence struggle I’ve had all my life. As I’ve gotten older, my self-confidence has improved in almost every aspect. Maybe it’s the way I was raised or following the lead of others, but I have a desire, a need to look like I have everything handled, that I am controlling my life, while in reality, life has control over me more times than not. We’re always told that no one totally has it together. Life is a balancing act that is never really able to even out. It’s full of making choices and giving one part of life a priority over others.
My current struggle, building upon my self-confidence issues, is that I also want to look like I have everything figured out. More than that, I want to look happy, confident in all my decisions, I want to look like the person people see in me. Something to know about me is that I hate compliments. Clearly, this stems from my self-confidence issues, but it’s also because I see all my successes as something I’ve worked hard for, so yeah I’m proud of them, but I also have no need for others to tell me how good I am, or how I’ve earned something. I know I earned it, I’m calculated and confident in my abilities.
The bad days have plagued me these past couple months. I haven’t put that feeling forward, but instead buried it inside of me. I have days where I don’t want to get out of bed. I have days where I don’t want to eat. But then I also have days where I need to be out of the house until it’s dark out. I need to eat everything and anything. It’s been a confusing time. I dove deep into my psyche to figure out these feelings and it’s not pretty.
What I’m trying to get at in this post, aside from putting everything I’ve been going through into words, is that everyone gets like this. My entire life I’ve been the girl who’s known what she wants to do. The girl who gets shit done (which I do). The girl who have a bright future, not because she says so, but because she has a plan to do so. I’ve been the girl others have envied because I’ve been successful so far in my early career. But after reading this post, you know it has come at a cost.
I hate the bad days, I really do. The only thing I can do to make them past is to live each day out as much as I can. Don’t force your body to do something that it doesn’t want. But also make yourself get out, you’ll feel much better after you do. You also earn those days in bed with Netflix. Find what makes you happy, they can be the smallest things and just do them. And find compassion in everything you do. Maybe someone was rude at the grocery store or ignored you holding the door for them and didn’t say thank you, but you also don’t know what’s going on in their lives. Try and remind yourself that. Other people have bad days too and the smallest kind gesture could make their day that much better.
This is an uphill battle that’s far from over, but the little victories make all the difference.